I Guess I’m Single Again

Manfriend and I ended our relationship last night. This makes me sad, very sad. I thought I finally found someone that understood how chaotic my life is because theirs is just as crazy. This ended up being the downfall.

Now I have to explain to my children why someone they know made mommy happy is gone. I don’t like this. This isn’t fair to them. However, this is life.

I keep wondering why things like this happen to me. Did I do something wrong? Is my karma that fucked up that I will never get to be with someone that loves me? I don’t think it is. I like to think I’m a good person. Maybe I’m delusional.

I guess I can come out of this knowing that life sucks. Being a person with feelings sucks. I’m a strong person and will always bounce back, that’s what I do. That’s who I’ve become. I’m just tired of being strong.

I’m Tired

I just finished cleaning my house for the most part. I look out the window and see the grass growing with every keystroke. I pick and choose my battles each day. Today I choose cleaning the house. If I find time by next week, I’ll mow the grass when it’s a foot tall. 

I need a maid, personal assistant or damn, just clone me. I’m tired. I have done EVERYTHING on my own for the past four years. You would think that I would be used to this by now. I am not. Doing everything is tiring. I clean, work, clean, play with the kids, clean, homework, clean, teach, clean, work yet another job and then clean some more. I am busy. This probably explains why I have yet to find a partner. I don’t have time. 

I don’t have time to properly shave my legs anymore. I don’t have time to have a normal conversation with an adult without being interrupted 20 times by one of my kids. “Who are you talking to Mom? Who is that? What are you talking to?” It always seems rushed, I seem distant and annoyed. I just do not even try anymore. 

Speaking of not trying anymore. Remember what I said a second ago about shaving my legs? I couldn’t tell you the last time I actually tried to make myself look descent. I can not remember when I actually tried to do my hair, makeup, contacts, wore something other than jeans and flip flops. That’s sad. I want to wear a dress. I want to put on high heels and feel pretty for a couple of hours. I just don’t have time or the energy. 

Yes, I know, everyone should make time. I am told this all the time. Those people that say that can come over and clean, work, clean, play with the kids, clean, homework, clean, teach, clean, work yet another job and then clean some more for me. Until then, I will look like shit. 

I am done. That was my 15 minutes to myself before picking up the kids, then coming home, finishing up their homework, baths, laundry then bed time. For them and for me. 

Breaking Bad is Bad

I recently tried to watch the show Breaking Bad. I watched about three episodes until I came to realize this hit close too home. I won’t give you the rundown of the show, If you want you can go watch it yourself. The plot pretty much revolves around meth and the making of it.

Meth –

a central nervous system stimulant, C 1 0 H 1 5 N, used clinically in the treatment of narcolepsy, hyperkinesia, and for blood pressure maintenance in hypotensive states: also widely used as an illicit drug.
So in other words, gives you the feeling of not giving shit about anyone or anything that you should. A marriage wrecker, a free pass of not being a parent, spending more time in jail than out in the real world. Finally, digging yourself into a hole so deep that you have no idea how to get yourself out.
This is my ex-husband. He always had substance issues. Mostly pot. Hell smoking a joint together was the foundation of our marriage. However, it became worse as the years rolled on and I grew up and he didn’t. I knew to an extent of what was going on, but taking care of three kids while he was “working” and trying to keep everyone happy blinded me. The signs were all there. Money missing, abuse, lies and etc. I played dumb only because I didn’t want to stir the pot. If I did, I knew that in some way shape or form, it will all be my fault in his eyes. Still to this day, even after four years of being apart. His faults are still blamed on me. Whatever. I have had too many hours of therapy and antidepressants to know now it’s not.
I am writing this because once again this evil “drug” has made me explain to my children, again, where their father will be for the next 9 months. I have to explain to them that he will miss summer, birthdays, their dance recital and mostly, Christmas because he choose to allow. He has not taught them much. The one thing that he has is that drugs are bad. They make you do stupid stuff and not care about what really is important.
I hate him. I hate meth. It didn’t ruin my marriage. That was over before it even began and actually gave the “out” I was praying for. I do hate the fact that it is apart of my children’s lives and leaves them without a father.
I know that my children and myself are not the only ones whose lives have been affected by this. This is just my way of expressing my anger.

In Bed

I lay in bed. Still in “my” side of the bed. You would think that I would have moved to the center or at least have someone in the empty spot. There isn’t. There isn’t even a part time bed warmer.

This brings me to my next thought. Why? I went on a date a few weeks ago. He was nice, cute, stable. There was no chemistry. None, zero, zilch, nada. He tried to kiss me and I did the unthinkable. I turned my head and his kiss landed on my check. I grabbed the door and got out as fast as I could.

After the shock of what I just did wore off, I texted The Boy. Light conversation as always. I try to keep it that way, knowing how I feel. I wanted him to be the warm spot next to me in bed.

I know better. I know that life is full of shit and you have to decide how much shit you want. At this point, I’m not getting younger. Life is traveling too damn fast and I being left in the dust. I don’t like this, yet I don’t know how to change it.

What’s Going on Here?

The other day I heard a song that reminded me of my metro exboyfriend. The song being “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. This was “our” song because it came out when we started dating. It reminds me of him cause we would sing it and play air guitar while feeding the cows.

The Metro Exboyfriend was my high school sweet heart and probably the only man who I have actually loved. Yes, I was married but not in love, just dumb. As I hear this song a rush of memories came into my noggin. I have heard this song a bizillion times but this time was different. It’s probably the state of mind as of late. (Depressed that I allowed someone to get close only to be disappointed once again.) I had this sudden urge to let him know that I was thinking of him by posting on his Stalker (Facebook) wall.

I left just a little note. “Thought about you the other day. Hope all is well.” Simple, to the point, not creepy. Not 20 seconds later. “Hope is was a good thought?”

Of course it was. It was about us sitting outside talking about everything under the sun. It was about the time that we watched the fireworks from the top of your parents grain elevator and we could see them in every direction from a 50 mile ratios. It was about our trip to New York City at Christmas when we told our parents that we were going to Indy for the weekend. It was us finding out that we were going to have a baby. It was about us comforting each other when we lost the baby. It was about how you looked, touched and loved me.

I did not tell him this, just that I heard our song and it made me smile. He proceeds to tell me that he will be back in the area for a few days the end of the week and that we should meet up.

Yeah, I have heard that before. Low and behold, I get a text tonight. Asking if I wanted to come have a beer with him. I had to decline because of the kids. He then asked if I wanted to skip work and come hang out with him and bring the kids to his parents farm. (This farm is not your normal farm. Its like the Waldrof Astoria of farms). Oh how I wish I could….

The reason that this is bothering me so much that I need to blog about it is. What the hell is going on here? Why is he suddenly in my life even if it is for a day or two? Is there a reason for this? If so than what the fuck is it?!

I guess I am supposed to figure this out. Part of life’s mystery right? Bull shit! No, I want this drawn out on a nice white sheet of paper in black Sharpie. Not pencil. Pencil can be erased.

There is a purpose for this. Maybe it’s to see the one person that I loved. To show myself that he is doing fine. That it’s finally time to let go and it’s ok to find that person that I can love like I loved him.

He has a girlfriend and I’m not down with OPP.

There’s Not Enough Xanax in the World

I have been meaning to start this blog for quite some time. I have always kept a journal but haven’t for a while now.  For some strange reason it always made me feel better. I was writing my feelings and thoughts down for my eyes and soul to see. I may as well let the whole world see them too.

Being a single mother of 3 kids is something I never thought that I would be. To be honest I thought that I would only have one maybe two at the most. Hell, not three. Here I am though. I love them and do my best at rasing them to my capabilities. 

 Everyone says that your kids will be three times worse than you ever were. I am pretty sure that Libby was sent to me with this exact purpose in mind.   She is my devil child through and through.  She is strong-willed and dances to her own beat and knows it. This is why I love her and want to tie her up and lock her up.

Lucy is my angel. She is sweet and kind but holy hell a drama queen. You look at her wrong and you think that you chopped all her Barbie’s heads off. seriously. She is also my second shifter. She has no desire to sleep before 11pm. I counted one night I told her to go back to bed 15 times in the matter of 1 hour. I promise Lulu, you’re not going to miss anything exciting.

Then there is Sid. He is all boy. He looks and acts like his father. This bothers me to no end. He’s ability to fight about everything makes me want to punch him in the face. We can not have a conversation without him contradicting everything that comes out of my mouth. Yep, that’s his dad. This needs to end NOW.

My life is pretty much hectic. This being the title for this entry.  My mind is a whirlwind of  crap. “MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM.” I hear this in my sleep even. This could be though because I always seem to wake up with someone in my bed that wasn’t there a few hours ago. My own damn bed isn’t even a safe zone from my kids.

I am on an anti-depressant like 27 million other Americans. Celexa to be exact and I ALWAYS have Xanax as a back up. (Side Note:  I have anxiety. I will get into this in a future post.) It helps with the day-to-day stress and puts me in a somewhat better mood. I need my Xanax though.  I call it my mind wipers. That’s what it does. Knocks me out and I forget about everything until I awake from my drug induced coma. I like it. I like the feeling of being numb. I don’t cry anymore. I take that back. I cried the other day but that’s because I hurt from the inside out. Stupid boys. 

I have always been a happy-go-lucky person. Well that is until I got married. My ex-husband was and still is a douchebag.  He took my very being of who I was from me. He took my smile, my fun, my passion and my trust of anything with a penis away from me.  I do not like this. I have improved with most of these issues 95% over the past 3 years, but my man hatred hasn’t worn off completely.  It gets better but then I am reminded why I hate men every time I let one get close.

I told myself this wasn’t going to be my bitching blog. I am sure that I will write about things that I get off my chest. I will reflex on the past and talk about the future. I will write about what bothers or excites me about something that I have come across. Until then, I hope you enjoy my rants. I know that I will enjoy sharing them with you.