biggmamakass


In Bed

I lay in bed. Still in “my” side of the bed. You would think that I would have moved to the center or at least have someone in the empty spot. There isn’t. There isn’t even a part time bed warmer.

This brings me to my next thought. Why? I went on a date a few weeks ago. He was nice, cute, stable. There was no chemistry. None, zero, zilch, nada. He tried to kiss me and I did the unthinkable. I turned my head and his kiss landed on my check. I grabbed the door and got out as fast as I could.

After the shock of what I just did wore off, I texted The Boy. Light conversation as always. I try to keep it that way, knowing how I feel. I wanted him to be the warm spot next to me in bed.

I know better. I know that life is full of shit and you have to decide how much shit you want. At this point, I’m not getting younger. Life is traveling too damn fast and I being left in the dust. I don’t like this, yet I don’t know how to change it.


What’s Going on Here?

The other day I heard a song that reminded me of my metro exboyfriend. The song being “If You Could Only See” by Tonic. This was “our” song because it came out when we started dating. It reminds me of him cause we would sing it and play air guitar while feeding the cows.

The Metro Exboyfriend was my high school sweet heart and probably the only man who I have actually loved. Yes, I was married but not in love, just dumb. As I hear this song a rush of memories came into my noggin. I have heard this song a bizillion times but this time was different. It’s probably the state of mind as of late. (Depressed that I allowed someone to get close only to be disappointed once again.) I had this sudden urge to let him know that I was thinking of him by posting on his Stalker (Facebook) wall.

I left just a little note. “Thought about you the other day. Hope all is well.” Simple, to the point, not creepy. Not 20 seconds later. “Hope is was a good thought?”

Of course it was. It was about us sitting outside talking about everything under the sun. It was about the time that we watched the fireworks from the top of your parents grain elevator and we could see them in every direction from a 50 mile ratios. It was about our trip to New York City at Christmas when we told our parents that we were going to Indy for the weekend. It was us finding out that we were going to have a baby. It was about us comforting each other when we lost the baby. It was about how you looked, touched and loved me.

I did not tell him this, just that I heard our song and it made me smile. He proceeds to tell me that he will be back in the area for a few days the end of the week and that we should meet up.

Yeah, I have heard that before. Low and behold, I get a text tonight. Asking if I wanted to come have a beer with him. I had to decline because of the kids. He then asked if I wanted to skip work and come hang out with him and bring the kids to his parents farm. (This farm is not your normal farm. Its like the Waldrof Astoria of farms). Oh how I wish I could….

The reason that this is bothering me so much that I need to blog about it is. What the hell is going on here? Why is he suddenly in my life even if it is for a day or two? Is there a reason for this? If so than what the fuck is it?!

I guess I am supposed to figure this out. Part of life’s mystery right? Bull shit! No, I want this drawn out on a nice white sheet of paper in black Sharpie. Not pencil. Pencil can be erased.

There is a purpose for this. Maybe it’s to see the one person that I loved. To show myself that he is doing fine. That it’s finally time to let go and it’s ok to find that person that I can love like I loved him.

He has a girlfriend and I’m not down with OPP.