biggmamakass


There’s Not Enough Xanax in the World

I have been meaning to start this blog for quite some time. I have always kept a journal but haven’t for a while now.  For some strange reason it always made me feel better. I was writing my feelings and thoughts down for my eyes and soul to see. I may as well let the whole world see them too.

Being a single mother of 3 kids is something I never thought that I would be. To be honest I thought that I would only have one maybe two at the most. Hell, not three. Here I am though. I love them and do my best at rasing them to my capabilities. 

 Everyone says that your kids will be three times worse than you ever were. I am pretty sure that Libby was sent to me with this exact purpose in mind.   She is my devil child through and through.  She is strong-willed and dances to her own beat and knows it. This is why I love her and want to tie her up and lock her up.

Lucy is my angel. She is sweet and kind but holy hell a drama queen. You look at her wrong and you think that you chopped all her Barbie’s heads off. seriously. She is also my second shifter. She has no desire to sleep before 11pm. I counted one night I told her to go back to bed 15 times in the matter of 1 hour. I promise Lulu, you’re not going to miss anything exciting.

Then there is Sid. He is all boy. He looks and acts like his father. This bothers me to no end. He’s ability to fight about everything makes me want to punch him in the face. We can not have a conversation without him contradicting everything that comes out of my mouth. Yep, that’s his dad. This needs to end NOW.

My life is pretty much hectic. This being the title for this entry.  My mind is a whirlwind of  crap. “MOM, MOM, MOM, MOM.” I hear this in my sleep even. This could be though because I always seem to wake up with someone in my bed that wasn’t there a few hours ago. My own damn bed isn’t even a safe zone from my kids.

I am on an anti-depressant like 27 million other Americans. Celexa to be exact and I ALWAYS have Xanax as a back up. (Side Note:  I have anxiety. I will get into this in a future post.) It helps with the day-to-day stress and puts me in a somewhat better mood. I need my Xanax though.  I call it my mind wipers. That’s what it does. Knocks me out and I forget about everything until I awake from my drug induced coma. I like it. I like the feeling of being numb. I don’t cry anymore. I take that back. I cried the other day but that’s because I hurt from the inside out. Stupid boys. 

I have always been a happy-go-lucky person. Well that is until I got married. My ex-husband was and still is a douchebag.  He took my very being of who I was from me. He took my smile, my fun, my passion and my trust of anything with a penis away from me.  I do not like this. I have improved with most of these issues 95% over the past 3 years, but my man hatred hasn’t worn off completely.  It gets better but then I am reminded why I hate men every time I let one get close.

I told myself this wasn’t going to be my bitching blog. I am sure that I will write about things that I get off my chest. I will reflex on the past and talk about the future. I will write about what bothers or excites me about something that I have come across. Until then, I hope you enjoy my rants. I know that I will enjoy sharing them with you.